I apologize in advance if this post gets a little long winded, I’ve just been reflecting a lot lately and have some thoughts I’d like to share.
It’s not much of a secret that I’ve been having a really hard time with this pregnancy. I’ve been in a lot of physical pain, but it’s the emotional instability that has bothered me the most. 2010 was a very hard year for me. Finding out that you are losing your job and that you are pregnant, in the same month isn’t easy for anyone! After a lot of consideration and prayer we decided that it would be best for me to stay home with our little girl and for Shaun to return to work as a high school math teacher. I had so many things I wanted to do! Our house was going to be clean and beautiful all the time and we were going to eat healthy home cooked meals AND I would get to spend every day with my sweet Juniper! I would make money on the side with my sewing and freelance design work, and life was going to be great.
Little did I know that being a stay at home parent is WAY harder than “working full time”. And the pregnancy didn’t make it any easier.. My high hopes and dreams were slowly chipped away at, and I felt more and more depressed. I had absolutely no control over my emotions and I felt like I was slowly losing my mind. Every time I felt like I was moving towards where I wanted to be, the self doubt and depression would sneak back up on me and knock me right back down to ground zero.
A couple of months ago, after a particularly hard day, I was saying a prayer and I came to the realization that Satan was working really hard on me to make me feel useless. He doesn’t want me to be the person that I want to be. He doesn’t want me to work hard and develop the good habits that I’ll need to raise my children to be strong, confident, loving, faithful members of society. Who knows what great and wondrous things these children of mine could grow up to do with their lives! Satan would rather my kids accept mediocrity and not have the confidence to do great things. But it’s too bad for him, because no matter how hard he tries to drag me down, I’m going to keep pushing forward. I am going to do my best to teach my children that with the Lord on your side, you can overcome anything.
This precious little bit of revelation has given me so much hope. And even though I still have my bad days, the past couple months have been a lot easier because of it. And for that, I am extremely grateful.