This blog is being guest posted on by Crystalyn’s evil genius husband. Now I know what most of you are thinking: “Hey, I know her husband, he’s not evil, and he’s defiantly not a genius!” Well, I have always taken the Columbo approach to my evil geniusing: Make em’ think you’re a bumbling idiot and generally nice guy, then when they let their guard down, bam! I couldn’t help but notice I have a doomsday device pointed at the white house. Of course a good phase one of any world domination plan is to develop a reputation for humorous sarcasm which frees you to speak openly about your conspiracies without anyone taking you seriously, thus making this post possible. Unfortunately for the would be conquerors of the world this post focuses on how to make a half pony half monkey monster to please your mate. Hybrid animals can make a wonderfully unique birthday or anniversary gift that really says, “I love you in the way only an evil genius can.” Not only are they hand made and good at demonstrating your near godlike manipulation of genetics, but they also show that your love is more important than details like morality, or animal rights.
The first step to creation is of course destruction. If you want to create a utopian society you must first get rid of the imperfect one that’s already there, it’s just taking up space anyway. For our little project it’s the monkeys that need a little help in this department. They need to be split in half. You’ll notice I said monkeys as in more than one, for your creation to be a true 50/50 split of pony and monkey you will need at least two monkeys to balance out the size advantage of the pony. Now there are several ways to split a monkey in two. Other evil geniuses might tell you “if you can’t do it with style it’s not worth doing.” But as for me I prefer simple direct and efficient. Any large blade will do. Yeah sure a good old fashioned guillotine would be great but it’s not worth the investment if you are only going to use it once. I used an industrial grade paper cutter, not too fancy but it got the job done.
Next it’s time to combine your bisected monkeys with your pony. For this you’re going to half to use science. Practically any since will do so long as the average person has no idea how it actually works. Atomic radiation is classic but played out, lighting is great for that old school approach, in a pinch you can even use magnets, no one seems to know how they work. At this point your decision will most likely be limited by funding and resources. I mean we would all love to do our monster making with particle accelerators and black holes but who can really find the time to covertly break into CERN or highjack a space shuttle. I was in a hurry so I used the always handy microwave. Now here is where all the wannabe poser evil geniuses get into trouble, they see the movies and think “Oh, I can just throw some random animals into some random tachyon field and bam: mutant monster!” If it were that easy every ones wife would be putting hay and bananas in the blender on February 14th in a despite attempt to feed their gift. No, you have to bite the bullet and use your years of evil genius education to calibrate the microwave to precise specifications insuring that the monster is properly mutated without being cooked or accidently transported through time. I was in a rush so mine came out sterile, which is probably for the best.
So there you have it, a perfect one of a kind monstrosity to impress your loved one. But before you run and get your monkey net here are a few things to consider before giving this gift.
1) Just because you sole mate likes monkeys and ponies doesn’t necessarily mean she will like a half pony half monkey monster.
2) Is your lover expecting a new pet as a gift? A monster is a big responsibility, many monsters have unusual and often evil diets, will the neighbors be uptight about a few missing children?
3) Does the apple your eye actually know that you are in love with her? This is huge, if you have been loving from afar and plan to use this kind of gift to win her heart all I can say is it won’t work, trust me, I know. This is a gift for established relationships only!
(Don’t I have the best husband ever?! He even took cell phone pictures of his creative process because he knows me so well! And if you are curious.. watch this music video. I’m warning you though… that song will get stuck in your head.)